Sawyers Diary
by xoxcoolchickenxox
Summary: Sawyers life on the island, written into his pink fluffy diary...ok not pink and fluffy but whatever...
1. Chapter 1

**26th April**

I woke up early this morning **_again_**. Trust me, waking up to the sound of Blondie (Claire) and Charlie making out, isnt the nicest feeling in the world. Anyways, Freckles cut my hair again today, i must say, im lookin' **_hawt!_** I think we've gotten quite close since the crash, i mean, she doesn't think im a complete arsewipe anymore, its a bit of a bruise in my bad boy reputation, but one person liking me isn't going to make me _nice. _God, it hurts to even say that. -shudder-

Well it's obvious that she's meant to be with Jack but, the doc has nothin' on me, i mean...i'm so...damn **_hawt!_**

**28th April**

Today i thought i'd treat myself to some mango and _Dharma _cream. All the _Dharma _stuff tastes like shit, but at least it goes with the mango. Hurley very nearly missed my head when he threw a jar of penut butter at me, maybe he lost his temper because i kept calling him fatty boom boom. _Heehee!_ He gets so mad when you call him names, but holy shit, that guy packs a punch. I suppose it is a bit mean to make fun of his weight, but what the hell do i care?

Me and Freckles went into the jungle today, ate some fruit, some _Dharma_ cookies, yuck! they were foul! Doctor smiley of course found us and decided that the phrase three's a crowd no longer applied to him.

**29th April**

We played spin the bottle tonight, and truth or dare...that was _very _interesting. I dared Jack to eat a rotten mango...eeew...

Anyways, Hurley got dared to run naked down the beach, (my own handiwork of course), I got dared to dance with only a thong on, that was embarrassing, but no-one could have been prepared for what happened next, the one person on the island who people suspected to be _innocent _- Libby -dared Jack to get naked, run into the sea, strap a fish around his manhood and sit on kates knee. The fish of course was alot harder to catch when he was naked, but when he actually caught one...lets just say, we saw bits of Jack I hope i never **_ever_** see again...**_EVER._**

After _that_, while we were playing spin the bottle, i span it and of course, it hust so happened to land on Locke. -shudder- I of course refused and my punishment was dancing around the pole that earlier that day Charlie had made for a joke. _Everyone_ was watching and of course, being fully clothed wasnt enough so i had to get into that thong again, lets just hope no-one will remember tonight...

**1st may**

Im still getting the shit teased out of me for that pole dancing the other night, well im glad i wasn't forced to kiss a man...uuuh...

I found another parachute with food in it today, i stole as much as i could get, but when i came back, the doc of course was there and he decided to get locke to gather the other peoples. God, i hate that guy some times. Well i went for a little walk and i found another boar, i thought that i would come back and get praised but clearly people have forgotten that _Dharma_ is the shittest food ever made, i feel ill just talking about it. Well i still have the guns, so i can go out and shoot some trees, i've gotta vent my anger on somethin!

**2nd may**

I might give up all this diary stuff, its annoying to have to write in it all the time!

But i like the opportunities when i like to say **_hawt_**, cos its such a damn fun word to say, heehee! **_HAWT!_** That is of course referring to me, all these damn people have this idea in their head that _Jack_ is hotter than me! They've clearly been on the island for too long! Anyways, today was uneventful, i did a little more walkin', i think Hurley should go on a walk once in a while, hes been on the island for nearly two months and the guy hasn't dropped three pounds! I mean, i know some people find it hard to lose weight but thats just takin' the piss!

**7th may**

I havn't written in ages because _nothing_ has happened. I mean **_nothing_**.

Well today we did some random stuff, I had a few liquors with Freckles, i think Charlie and Blondie were away doing what they do best, God, ever since those two made up all they do is make out and have...erm...do stuff.

After we had a drink, me and Kate headed down to the beach, singing of course, the words:

**PRETTY WOMAN,**

**WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET!**

**PRETTY WOMAN,**

**NOT LIKE YOU USED TO MEET!**

This can get extremely annoying especially when your a tired pregnant woman whose husband can barely speak a word of English. I think it was Jack who threw his shoe at us at one point, of course we were far too pissed to know who it was...ahh...good times


	2. Chapter 2

**8th May**

I…I'm so…disturbed…in so many ways.

Charlie and Claire…doing stuff. –shudder-

Ugh…Anyway, well today I walked into the jungle and saw Claire and Charlie, well…lets just say, getting to know each other a little better, I guess Blondie was a little more embarrassed than me, I saw some things I hope I _never _see again. God I need to get some action! Kate's got it on with Jack, Sayid **_had_** it on with Shannon, and now Claire and Charlie! Jesus, its like this island's turned into some playboy mansion type thing. The only thing it's missing, is the guy who wrote it, see? I've been on this island to long…I don't even remember the kings name.

**9th May**

Well today was…err…interesting. Me, Jack and Kate went into the jungle and we found some pictures, they either belonged to Boone or Shannon, because both of them were in it.

We all acted like each other today, it was funny! I was Hurley, and vice versa, Jack was Locke, Locke was Jack, Sun was Kate, and so on. Charlie, Claire and Sayid were boring and they didn't play. I think I really offended the poor bloke but what can you do? Anyway, I stuffed my jacket with other clothes and walked around with a jar of peanut butter. I regret to say that the jar did _not_ make it to the end of the day…

**10th May**

Today was fun; most of us went down into the hatch and **partayed!**

We played some crap music, put out some _dharma_ chips and chocolate, which of course tasted like shit! Oh well, I suppose it's better than no snacks at all! Well me and Kate got a bit bored later on, so we went for a walk, we came across some mangos, and you know how I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE mango!

We walked on after that and we talked a little about her and Jack and she said, -puts on squeaky girly voice- 'There is no me and Jack…' Well they've definitely fooled me and some other people in this hellhole, We carried on talking about it and she told me that she's attracted to me…I laughed…

**11th may**

Now, I haven't written in as often as I used to, but it's only because this island is so boring! Anyways, I found myself some lettuce, a bit of cucumber, some tomato and a jar of mayonnaise, and made myself some salad, as you can tell, I'm not much of a salad man, but I haven't had a proper steak in sooo long, its frustrating! When I complain about it to people, they were just like, why don't you go and catch yourself a boar, but they don't understand that a **_hawt_** man like me needs his meat!

Well, after my salad, I felt quite sick; I think it might be something to do with the fact that the mayonnaise was warm, which wasn't too pleasant. Well I threw up after about an hour of complaining to Charlie and Claire that them making out didn't help the matter much, I went to Jack and he confirmed that I had food poisoning, which was crap!

**12th May**

Well today I did some more eating as I had repaired myself from my illness yesterday, I hate having all this _Dharma _crap, for one reason it tastes like shit, as I like to mention quite a lot, but for a second reason, it is the most foul smelling blue cheese **_ever_**. I mean, why was blue cheese even invented in the first place, its bad enough that good brands still smell like dead peoples feet, but _Dharma_ blue cheese, smells like a rotting foot has been placed in a bag of dead rats, beaten with a bamboo stick, and had paprika added.

After my ranting about the blue cheese I decided to collect as much as I could find, I borrowed a clothes peg from Rose (for my nose), I took it to the jungle with a gun in my pocket and dropped the bag in the middle of the jungle. I decided to open the bag, no smell had emerged yet so I thought that the clothes peg was working, so I took some of the cheese out and decided to make a cheese man. I just so happened to also bring a permanent marker out with me as well. I wrote 'I am Jack' across the cheese mans forehead. I took out my gun and aimed right for its chest.

The cheese man named 'Jack' is no more…

**PLEASE REVEIW! I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS! heehee:P only joking, reveiw and sawy whtever you like**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: i dont own lost cos if i did it wouldnt be called a _fan_ fiction.

**14th May**

We've been on the island for a while now, and everyone has built stuff, all i've done is build were im sleeping now...oh well if i did help my bad boy reputation will be destroyed! Thats why i stole the guns, cos if i didn't then people would like me...Oh yeah and what Locke did to Charlie was a bit shit headed, he didn't need to beat him up! Anyways my bad boy reputation makes me even more **_hawt_** than i would have been if i was like Jack. Ew...me being like Jack just sounds wierd, hes too much of a nice guy, everyone loves Jack.

Well today i decided to go down to the hatch, Locke asked me to do some cleaning, i told him to screw himself of course because i didnt actually do anything the other night, i ate like two cookies and felt sick, so as i said before went outside with Kate, Jesus, that guy has some problems, i mean he's still calling me James...can't the man take a hint, **i dont like being called that!**

**17th May**

I haven't written in days because this place has got even more borin'!

Well today wasn't boring but most other days are! We all went over to the caves today and we did some truth games. I got to ask Hurley a question so i asked him, if he had to be with anyone on the island for the rest of his life who would it be, he of course said Libby so i felt like a bit of tool for wasting a question on that. Jack got asked the same thing by Claire and he said Kate, they kind of looked at eachother for a while and then she started kissing him. I had a little feeling in the pit of my stomach (like it was going to turn upside down) but then i was told i had to ask someone a question again, i really wanted to ask Kate what she thought of me, but then everyone would know...

So i asked Hurley how much he weighed, hehe! that was funny, he gave me a dirty look and said very quietly that he weighed nearly two hundred pounds. Blondie gasped and then started giggling insanely. I thought that was a bit bitchy but then she explained that Charlie had just told her a rude joke involving a leopard, two vine leaves and a naked man...

**18th May**

Well today i saw Jack and Kate makin' out on the beach -shudder-

I kinda' think they didn't realise i saw them because they didn't really stop, and i think everyone suspects i like kate (including her), i do, but she **_is_** with Jack now and theres nothin' i can do...

Anyways the people who live on the beach decided to do a games night but then they realised that we had no boards for board games so it turned into another night of drinking, thought all we had was wine, so i wasn't too happy. Well after we had finished the wine, Charlie, Blondie, Freckles, me and Jack were all pished, well we had most of it. We decided it was a very good idea to play spin the bottle again so i ended up kissing Blondie, Kate kissed Charlie and Jack kissed Blondie aswell...

We like to **partay**!

**20th May**

I decided to make a fruit salad for myself today, i got some mango (mmmm...), some random fruit i don't know the name of and some _Dharma_ whipped cream. The cream tasted ming-tastic but at least the fruit was a bit sweeter with it.

Today me and Jack had an arguement, it was pretty stupid but i ended up punchin' the doc. Freckeles told me off and she was all over Jack making sure he was ok, God sometimes i hate that bitch, and i mean, she thinks Jack is more **_hawt_** than me! She must be on drugs! Im so...**_hawt!_** I think that really is the only word to describe it...

**21st May**

Well Jack told me off for breaking his nose today.

Im **_not_** happy, i mean, who does he think he is? Just because everyone loves him, doesn't mean he's the president of the island, Hes not even **_hawt_** like me!

Anyways, i went ito the jungle to try and look for some mango cos Hurley stole all of mine, i mean, isnt it enough that he gets all the peanut butter and stuff like that? No-one else, apart from him and Libby, get any junk food. Selfish he-bitch...

After i got about 10 mangos i went back to my hut and Jack was lookin' around my stash! He's such a tool! For God's sake all i wanted to do was have a stash, with lots of mango's and be left in peace, but thats clearly too much to ask for. Well, he said he was looking for medicine, but he clearly wanted the guns, i'd just like to point out now...not a hope in hell boy...

Hello, me again! please reveiw, hope you enjoyed this chapter! xxx


	4. Chapter 4

**disclaimer**- heylooo anyways... i dont own lost...BYE xxx

**22nd May**

Well today Michael came back...everyones talking about him and im going through another one of my phases where everyone is starting to..._like_ me again...i have to do something mean to sort this out, i mean, if im nice and i start helping people and all that stuff, then people will start to see me as less **_hawt_**...and thats just NOT happenin'!

Well anyways, Michaels been in the hatch all day, dont get me wrong, im kinda glad he's back but hes takin' all of my attention, no-ones focusing on me anymore, its annoyin...almost as annoyin as Ana-Lucia. She slept with me then took my gun, **_who does that? _**

I hope that girl get shot in the face...

**23rd may**

Er...you know the way i said i wanted Ana-Lucia to be shot in the face...well i er...take it back. Theres no reason behind me sayin' that, lets just say, shes not around to beat me up for it.

That guy Henry escaped today, knob head, I mean, he shot Ana-Lucia, Libby and Michael...my only question is, how did he get his hands on a gun? He was locked in a store room for christs sake, the thing was locked from the outside, unless he miraculously untied himself then when someone came in to give him food he stole their gun? Im talkin' crazy, its not like any of the three down there shot eachother...

My diary entries might seem alot shorter with more of the three dot things goin' on but nothin exiting's happenin anymore...we need a game to...spice things up...

**25th May**

Well my wish came true, all the important people, (me in particular) all went deep into the jungle and decided to play dares...hehe, nothin's funnier than jumpin' out at Eko when hes trying to gather brances, the man dropped every one of them, of course i blamed it on Jack and he beleived me. Hes more gulible than Mr Blobby on cocaine...

Well we all ganged up on Hurley...(who wasn't very cheerful)...and dared him to take off all his clothes and ask Rose for some cookies...when she asked him where his clothes were, he had to say, 'baby want bottle...' **mwahahahahaha! **

He had to drop onto his back with his arms and legs sticking up and roll around...the look...on Rose's face...she looked like a chicken had just asked her for some ketchup...**HAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**26th May**

Omg! i found a CD player today...and...wait for it...it had STACIES MOM inside it...oh my jesus, the coolest song EVER!

-ahem- i mean...why didnt it have some er...HEAVY METAL IN IT! yeah! -ahem- anyways, i was talkin to freckles and Blondie today, we were just talking about Libby dying 'n' all that. There was no mention of ana-lucia, but i can live with that...she was a man bitch anyway...

**27th May**

Right this might sound well disrespectful but after Libby and Ana-Lucias funeral, we...er...kinda had a partay...IT ROCKED! It was the most immense partay ever! Me and Freckles ended up kissin' which the doc was not happy about, he slightly punched me but i ended up 'accidedently- kicking him in his happy place...

Anyways, Hurley pied himself which is to be expected from a fat guy whos girlfriend just died, Charlie and Blondie ended up having a fight and pissin off somewhere else, and the rest of us just got smashed...


	5. Chapter 5

**_disclaimer: i dont own lost...blah, blah blah..._**

**30th May**

I decided today would be a good day to make fun of Jack, the goddamn man-bitch has been too depressed lately, maybe pissing him off will make him forget about Libby and Ana-Lucia. Anyways, so i walked up to him and started askin' him for a game of poker so when he finally agreed, i pretended to be really bad and then when all the stuff we were bettin' was on the table i added 'that' card that was stuffed up my sleeve into my deck of cards, mwahahahaha!

Jack was not happy when i won, and he was completely oblivious to my cheating, tehe...

Well i went to my stash after that and Freckles was sitting in my tent, she told me that when we made out it meant nothing to her and she loved Jack, so i said that it meant nothin to me...which is completely true.

**31st May**

Today was the start of a new prank week...teehee...i jumped out at Freckles when she was in the shower, she got me back though. Im not saying how.

Well no-one really dared to pull any pranks on me, cos they know if they do i wont be happy and ill get them back with a much better one...Hurley swapped the milk with some form of white alcohol, which Rose wasn't happy about, which doubled the awkwardness between the two after the nakedness incident. Jack of course didn't realise that he was drinking booze so he was off his head and didn't know why.

**2nd June**

Well Charlie and Claire have made up after the fight at the funeral, they were all over each other when i was going over to ask for some mangos. Its a bit awkward with me and the doc after the whole thing about me sayin that he was a friend...oh my god...im still actually cringing over that. Anyways, i went out to the jungle in search of something to keep me entertained...i found, a sock, a broken CD player, and er...graphic pictures of that gay guy matt...

This was a pretty patheticly boring day, God, i hope something exiting happens soon...

**3rd June**

We decided to have a male wet T-shirt competiton today, well it gave me a chance to show off my **_hawt _**body. We all put white shirts on and then we got buckets of water thrown over us...it was cold but funny when people shuddered at Hurley. God the guy needs to lose weight.

Well of course Jack won, i came close second, then Sayid, then Charlie and with no votes, Hurley and er..._shudder_...locke...

What do people see in Jack, im so **_hawt_** compared to him, jesus...

**4th June**

Today was ok, not too exiting, me, Jack and blondie all went down to the hatch and decided to pie out on the remaining food...Hurley slightly came in in and yelled at us...he said that he was still grieving and he needed some time alone with the food, we told him to piss of so he kind of ran out cryin...

Thats all that really happened, Eko's still pissed at Jack but he wont be for long, his Jesus stick will tell him to forgive Jack...


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer...i dont own lost or any of its characters...i wish i did though**

**10th June**

Yeah i know i havent written in this darn thing in ages but its so hard when this island has nothing to offer.

Well since we got the ping pong table, me and the doc have decided to be civil to eachother. The guy can be cool sometimes but he's such a...busybody. Well theres gonna be a tournament soon so that will be fun...although i can see a fight happening somehow...

Well today was ok. I just sat about catchin a few rays and reading a book...y'know the usual.

Freckles has been all over me lately...i dont know what she's thinking. Maybe shes bored of the doc...i aint complainin'...

Blondie and Charlie are still all over eachother...eugh...its sickening.

**11th June**

This bad-ass journal's running out of paper so i went out scavenging for a new one today. Im not sure which direction i was going in but, i found a new suitcase, it was just boring stuff...clothes and whatnot, but i did manage to find myself a new book to write the days events in. The good thing is...this one has mirrors which is always a plus...especially when your as damn _**hawt**_ as me...

Well most of us gathered around the fire tonight...Jack decided to look like the sensitive guy which impressed most of the ladies...(damn that guys good)...he told everyone that it would be a good idea to have a sing-along. I hate those things...

son of a bitch...

**13th June**

I missed out yesterdays events because **there were none!** Well anyways...today Jack, Freckles and me went into the caves (oh i forgot Locke insisted on coming). Since they've been abandoned by everyone we've decided its a great place to chill out. No one complaining about minor injuries that'll heal in about a minute.

Anyways all this stuffs been going on lately...Eko dissapeared last night and aparently one of the less important people aswell. If its those sons of bitches the others i swear to god i'll kill every single one of them...

Well Jack had a big hero speech again this morning about how everyone has to "band together" to try and find them, to be perfectly honest i couldnt be less bothered about the whole thing...that guy who dissapeared yesterday...oh god whats his name...thinks **PAULO! **Thats it...

**14th June**

Well not much happened today...Jack decided to go on a hunt for more _Dharma _shit. shudder I am actually on the brink of starving myslef because its that damn bad...

They came back at about half three and all the people were patting him on the back and congratulating him...God, he's like the islands version of Tom Cruise. Only because women find him attractive even though he's on ugly son of a bitch.

Well i'll be starting my new journal tomorrow because this is the last page.

Goodbye pink fluffy diary!

...I hope no one finds this...


End file.
